How are perfectionism and shame connected?

Perfectionism and shame tend to go hand in hand. Relentlessly striving to get everything right, excel and exceed, and avoid failure or mistakes often traces back to a chronic, nagging feeling that we’re not enough or there’s something wrong with us.

Maybe we were told this outright, or maybe we came to believe this subconsciously as a way to deal with painful things that happened to us. Either way, shame is an incredibly uncomfortable emotion. It can feel like it defines who you are as someone fundamentally broken, unloveable, or bad. It can also lead to self destructive behaviours, because we feel like we deserve them. 

That’s why perfectionism can serve as a powerful strategy. By shaping ourselves to reflect only the traits we believe are acceptable we hope to avoid that persistent, uncomfortable sense of not being enough, along with the emotional distress it brings. And in some ways it works, but the cost is high. Perfectionism is often accompanied by heightened anxiety and a greater risk of burnout. We run ourselves into the ground trying to get ahead of every slip-up and go every extra mile. 

How does therapy help perfectionism and shame?

Therapy can help you notice when the voice of perfectionism shows up, and support you in shifting to a more compassionate inner dialogue. 

My approach to therapy deepens this by exploring the roots of shame. By processing through past experiences that left shame as their residue, you can start to see yourself in a different light. And when you know yourself as someone fundamentally whole, loveable, and good, mistakes and failures can become easier to tolerate, and perfectionism can start to let go.